I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
