A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
