my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
