i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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