I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
