We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
