um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
