wanna go halves on a baby?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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