I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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