I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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