i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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