Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
