i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
