How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
