capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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