I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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