i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
