I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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