even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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