By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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