Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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