She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
