hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wish you could order shots online.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
