When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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