Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm passing your future prison.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
