At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
