Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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