It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize