Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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