you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
