Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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