can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
