my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Princesses don't give blow jobs
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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