I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
