Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
