My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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