My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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