you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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