please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
