no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
