And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
