It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
