Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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