Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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