Porn is love you can see.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
