I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
