I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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