yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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