I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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