I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
