My Higher Power is John Stamos
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
