He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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