...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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