The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
