i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
