im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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