Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
