pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
