Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
