May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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