i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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