things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
